People Pleasing

These two simple words mushed together feels like a cute way to describe a behavior pattern that almost ruined my life… Not to be dramatic, but also- it’s totally and completely true. It impacted every relationship I was a part of, ESPECIALLY the romantic ones. But we’ll get to that later…

From what I’ve experienced… Once “yes” becomes a go- to response to the people around you? I’m talking like a constant YES when you really want to say NO to the people you spend a lot of time with. It’s almost as if your personhood doesn’t matter anymore. It’s only what you bring to the table that matters. And by “what you bring to the table”, I mean what you can do for them.

I’m all about giving. There are many traits that make up my identity molecule. But there are certainly roles that require more of myself than others: I am a mother to two small children, a life coach and a school counselor. I feel like these are basically synonyms for “giver”. And I take great responsibility and pride of what is required of me when I’m immersed in any of these roles. Basically, I’m not selfish… Even if I was, though? That’s my prerogative.

Getting back on track- when we are giving WAY more than we are receiving? Especially for my fellow natural caregivers out there where it comes as almost second nature? That’s when it’s time to take an intentional pause and reflect on the “why”.

If I were to narrow down the “why” behind my former people pleasing, it would be mostly fear based. Fear of confrontation and not being good enough- but most of all? My fear of abandonment. The thought of losing the people in my life, or at least my perception of the possible loss, was too terrifying to bear. It didn’t occur to me for a very long time that my needs were also important. I assumed that one wrong move on my part would put an end to friendships and romantic partners. So? I did everything I could to keep them happy, all while losing myself in the process.

While I was in college, I was involved with someone whom I thought I was in love with. Looking back on it now, it was an infatuation with attention I had never received before from a man (and I use the term “man” loosely). The entire experience was abusive, manipulative and toxic. I actually think the term “gaslighting” came from this relationship. Ok- I’m not that arrogant to really believe that- but like HOLY SHIT he was good at it.

His presence in my life ended up being 5.5 years of anxiety, sadness and constantly walking on eggshells. He gave me the highest highs and the lowest lows I had experienced up to that point. No matter what he asked me to do? I did it. And I did those things because I truly believed I was going to make him happy; this was all that mattered to me. But alas, it was never enough. He would emotionally pull me in and push me away, sleep with other girls and then proclaim his love for me, cry when he felt guilty and then seek me out for support (which I gave him), as well as degrade me as a woman. It wasn’t pretty.

From the outside looking it, it’s easy to deem my actions as pathetic. I get it- because sometimes when I reflect on everything- it’s how I feel about myself. And if I didn’t have the breaking point I needed when I was 22, this would have lasted for much longer. After my final “I CAN’T DO THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE!” I wrote him a long email, said my goodbye, and then rejected his calls for the next year or so- and there were a LOT of those. I’m still pretty proud of myself for cutting him out so many years ago, but the effects he had on my mental health still pop up every once in a while.

I would like to say my people pleasing (to the point of losing myself) stopped after I cut this person out, but that would be a lie. For the next several years I would go on seeking out men who were just as toxic. I actually almost moved in with a boyfriend, simply because that’s what HE wanted to do. He thought it would “help bring us closer and see if this actually works”. Dreamy, eh? I knew deep down this wasn’t the right decision, but it took me a few months to reluctantly say, “I don’t think this is a good idea”. Oye, that was close… Those were some dark days.

It wouldn’t be until I started dating my now husband that I found what a true partnership looked like. He showered me with kindness, genuine concern for my wellbeing, PLUS true emotional and physical intimacy. Who woulda thought? Twelve years later, we continue to do things for EACH OTHER. When one of us only has the capacity to give 30% on any given day, the other gives the additional 70% needed to keep us going. Or at least to keep us afloat (remember, we have 2 small children lol). And these responsibilities are shared by both parties. Sometimes it’s me giving more, and sometimes it’s him. But it’s a mutual respect we have for one another that keeps our relationship growing amidst the many things that come up from day to day. I’m happy- but it took me a long time to get here. And I’m so damn proud of myself for realizing what I deserve. Not because of what I went through, but because I’m a human being who deserves love, joy and peace. YOU are also a human being who DESERVES LOVE, JOY AND PEACE.

We all come from different backgrounds or experiences. Whether it’s conscious or subconscious, we have defense mechanisms/ survival skills that help to keep us safe. For me? I made my love interests happy so they wouldn’t leave. And YUP they stuck around. Boy oh boy did they stick around LOL… I certainly gained good life experience, bravery, and confidence by getting to the other side of the proverbial mountain- but I wouldn’t wish those struggles on anymore. Putting all of your value into what you can give/ do for others is so utterly draining. There really isn’t much of an ROI on that. You’re investing in other people, but I have to ask you- what are you gaining?

With some work, I was able to convert detrimental behavior patterns to healthy traits that have since helped to build wonderful relationships with people I love very much. Once I understood it was about give and take, I made relationships with people who expected the same. These were and continue to be so very fulfilling. Nothing about them is superficial. My friends give me respect because I know I deserve it, and I give them respect because they deserve the same. Even when we disagree, it’s not an ending to our relationship. It’s an opportunity for us to get to know each other better and try to understand different view points. In short, it’s amazing, and THEY are amazing.

……….And I’m pretty amazing too for getting here, too.

My point in all of this? You can do it too.

Keep going,

Meg